


Instincts

by Dream_addicted



Category: Hollywood Undead (Band)
Genre: Animal Instincts, Bad Sex, Band Fic, Boys In Love, Doubt, Drinking Songs, F/M, Falling In Love, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Fucked Up, Kissing, M/M, Multi, Oh God Yes, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sad, Sexual Content, Shame, So Wrong It's Right, Teaching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-06-05 10:36:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 17,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6701443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dream_addicted/pseuds/Dream_addicted
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Matt's head is full of thoughts: he is nervous, filled with doubts, irritated by his own behaviour. His eyes always go to Jordon, they study him with too much interest, too much attention for a simply friend. Maybe he is in love? Maybe it is just lust or curiosity? He wants something, but the only idea of obtaining it seems terrifying and disgusting, letting the man stucked between two opposite sides: indulge with these thoughts and not holding back, or push they back and stay silent without saying a word to anyone. </p><p>The real question is...how much his instincts will let him decide?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tour Stop

**Author's Note:**

  * For [unicornwarrior](https://archiveofourown.org/users/unicornwarrior/gifts).



_**"What! Yo, this is Da Kurlzz, bitch!** _  
_**We ain't just a gang, motherfucker, but a way of life!"** _

_Scene for Dummies - Hollywood Undead_

Afternoons in tours are deadly. The boredom seems infinite, and the little stops in the middle of the trip from one city to another are the only moments where people can get out of the bus and get some rest, at least for two or three minutes.

Sat in his bunk in the coach, Matt was chatting with people using Whatsapp or posting shit on Facebook, sharing some thoughts that lately have been torturing him, making him almost go insane, when suddenly he stopped and his mind went on its way.

He was looking at his phone in trance.

Again.

The screamer closed his eyes and started thinking, headphones on his ears and music put at maximum level.

Things recently started to be a little weird for him. He enjoyed so much the tour with the rest of the band, with their pranks, Jordon’s jokes, Dylan’s crazy moments, but also the interviews, the fans, the concerts. It was all awesome, his friends were fantastic, life seemed to be perfect, but something was out of place there, something inside him. He felt like if a little piece of himself was clashing with the rest, a small part, almost unimportant, that made everything looks like artificial or at least wrong. It was just a sensation, after all, but he still perceived it every time he was with his closest friends, especially with Jordon.

Charlie “fucking” Scene was still joking about him, even using the crowd at the concerts to call him faggot, but this wasn’t the problem, he always accepted it and he always laughed, responding to the insults with other insults just to play a little. The only thing that lately have been troubling Matt was the fact that his eyes were too focused on the rapper,  giving more attention to him than the rest of the others. He didn’t mean to, his gaze simple has been going automatically to him every time something funny happened, observing his reactions, his face, everything. He looked at how his eyes thinned with happiness, how his lips parted to reveal his smile, how his amused expression made him look a bit evil. These consideration have always been upsetting him, making him shook his head in the middle of the action and return with his attention to the main scene, starting smirking and playing the fool with the others.

However, things got more and more complicated as the tour went on. Controlling his instinct of observing and studying Jordon became harder and the sensation of being out of place has been growing with each look he gave to the friend, each thought made about him.

He frowned. The idea of being gay popped out in his mind, but Matt immediately repressed it with anger: he was even incredulous that the simple fact of considering it crossed his mind. It was impossible, he has always being attracted by girls, their bodies, their perfumes, and always had the instinct of touching, licking and fucking them.

It was true that he had never been in love, but this meant nothing.

\- What is doing our little Da Kurlzz alone by himself? Jerkin’?-

Matt jumped beating his head on the ceiling as the curtain of the bunk slipped away, showing Jordon’s happy and entertained face. The drummer started cursing while throwing the headphones away, kicking them to the bottom of the bunk.

\- Fuck you, Jordon. You scared the shit out of me! –

\- That was the purpose – joked the rapper, poking at him on the forearm.

Matt repressed the feeling of pulling back his arm and resisted the temptation of hiding himself again in his world, closing the curtain, sending Jordon away and returning to his thoughts, but the idea depressed him too much.

\- Why are you here? – asked the screamer trying to appear annoyed. Jordon gave him a look of disappointment and smirked, looking at the exit.

\- To be honest we're outta the coach drinkin’ some beers, and you’re here alone like a dick probably jerking, so I thought would be gentle, kind, delicate, courteous and polite inviting your fatty ass to be with us – said the bandana man with an arrogant voice.

Matt sighed and nodded silently, putting his phone back in his jeans and stretching a little before getting out of his bunk. Jordon giggled happy, sipping a beer Matt didn’t notice before, and looking impatient to the exit like if he wanted to escape. He looked relaxed, perfectly comfortable in his grey t-shirt and his short trousers, leaning on the bunks with his cocky attitude as if he was the boss, drinking slowly from the bottle.

\- Are you moving or what? – he muttered annoyed looking at Matt. The man scolded himself for not noticing that he had been staring to the friend for a little too much.

Again.

\- Yeah yeah, just admiring your beer – said in response with his raspy voice, poking the rapper back to the forearm and passing him by, walking faster toward the exit.

He couldn’t believe that he did it again. Why was he observing Jordon another time with so much interest? What was the meaning beyond that? It couldn’t be attraction. It was impossible.

So why?

The stuffiness outside was overwhelming, with the sunlight that for some moments ate everything and blinded Matt. It needed few minutes for the drummer to get used to the strong light, but soon his eyes didn’t hurt anymore.

\- Hey man! We’ve been waiting you for ages! Want a beer? –

Dylan was offering him a bottle with a giant happy expression. The entire band was out there, enjoying the sun and leaning on the coach, sunglasses on and smiles on their faces. They were all cheerful, joking among them and discussing about the next concerts, or the possibility of a tour in Europe.

Matt took the beer and sat near to Dylan, admiring the large service area, empty and grey, with some trees and flowers at the borders and a big building in the middle where shops were selling car gadgets and drinks. They stopped there for a small break before returning on the bus, hours of boredom waiting them in that small space.

Jordon let himself fall next to Matt, a curse ready on his lips.

\- Man, It’s so hard. I don’t want to go back to the bunks or get fuckin’ bored with your gay conversations – stated the rapper with a low voice, finishing his beer and asking another one to Danny.

\- Yeah, it’s hard – agreed George, his eyes fixed on his feet :- But it’s our life. We chose it and now we have to do what it needs. And stop complaining about it, I don’t remember you being sad about going around and saying “I’m Charlie Scene, fuck you people, wanna see my weenie?!”-

George imitated the rapper voice and the entire band laughed hard, Jordon himself first. It was wonderful seeing the bandana man smiling, the hat lowered on his forehead that covered his eyes  but couldn’t hide the happiness in them, the sound of his laugh so musical to Matt’s ears. The drummer felt the arm of his friend touching his, a small accidental contact that troubled him but at the same time was pleasant, tempting him to stay like that and feel the rapper’s hot skin for a little longer. He didn’t move and concentrated on that sensation, the fact that his skin was colder than the one of the band mate, that that feeling of heat against him was nice, he liked it.

Panic invaded him. He stopped his thoughts immediately.

What he was thinking? What the hell? He really thought that the sensation of Jordon’s skin was good? He really thought that?

In reaction he pulled back the arm in a slight movement, almost invisible. He pressed his hand around the bottle as if he wanted to break it, anxiety all over him.

What was happening? He didn’t understand. He was not gay, he didn’t feel nothing for Jordon, only friendship. They were close, that was true, but it couldn’t be the explanation of those instincts, and the doubts he had about it were only a confirm. No, no, better get away from there. He didn’t want to think any more about this shit, and the fact that lately this problem have been obsessing him was another pain in the ass.

He suddenly got up, leaning on the coach.

\- I’m really tired, I think I’ll rest a bit – said with a tense voice. The others looked at him confused but he didn’t cared about that. He turned his back to them, not even waiting for a response, and returned to the coach, hiding from the hot sun. His hands were shaking when he passed the couches, placing the beer on one of the table and continuing to the corridor.

\- What a dick – heard Jordon say.

Matt shook his head, stopping for a second in front of his bunk, staring nervous a his headphones abandoned at the bottom. His head started again function on its own, in a flow of doubts, questions and possible answers that he didn’t want even to consider.

Maybe he was only hiding from Jordon.

Maybe he couldn’t control those instincts.

Maybe he couldn’t bear them anymore.


	2. Dark romance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's hard to fight instincts, especially if mind and heart want the same thing but something inside you thinks that it is the most disgusting thing in the world. Matt couldn't hold back anymore, he had the chance to make his move and he made it. However, it was the wrong one.

_**"That was long before my heart became black** _  
_**There's no way to make it change or go back"** _

_Rain - Hollywood Undead_

The concert was a triumph. Fans have started singing crazy along their lyrics, hands up and thousands of voices repeating with them the same words, the same song, again and again in the night. When the show finally ended, the band was so tired that they could only drink beers and lay on the couches in the backstage, hoping to get drunk and finally sleep for hours. Danny and Dylan were talking about the performance and how much it was a success, dragging into their conversation Jorel and then George. Jordon was too occupied in drinking beers, trying to empty bottles of forties as fast as he could, while Matt was concentrated in answering and posting things on all social medias. He was proud of himself, even though his throat hurt a little due to all the screams he had to do, but it was his job, and he loved it. People seemed to appreciate a lot his efforts and a hundred of posts on his twitter confirmed that, and every time he looked at his phone, a good sensation pervaded him.

\- 5 seconds! It took only 5 seconds! – shouted Jordon hitting the table with his beer. The entire group stopped what they were doing and stared startled at their mate, understanding immediately that he was completely drunk. Several empty bottles were rolling on the table before falling off, clashing on the pavements with a horrible sound, while the forty Jordon had in his hand was still there, exposed like a trophy.

Jorel shook his head, pointing his face towards George.

\- Hey man, take him to bed, he’s completely shitfaced –

\- What’s the problem? Do you think he’ll be going around raping girls? – asked amused George, looking to the bandana rapper. Jordon was swinging a little on the couch, whispering some lyrics with his eyes almost closed, making a stupid face every time he thought something funny.

\- No, not raping girls, but showing his weenie. Or falling and beating his fucking head on somewhere. I mean, I am too tired to go around and do things, just take him to bed and let’s go to sleep – stated Jorel, dark shadows under his eyes showing how exhausted he was.

George shook his head.

\- Too tired. Hey, Matty, since you’re doing nothing could you please take this faggot to bed? – begged the blue masked man with an imploring voice, trying to be funny. Dylan and Danny smirked, hiding their faces as George let a smile appear on his face, probably due to alcohol.

Matt sighed frustrated, looking at the drunk band mate as he was almost falling  on the floor, seeing even the last bottle of forty tumbling down.

\- Alright. But you assholes own me one. Next time I won’t be moving a finger, understood? – claimed Matt as he got up, looking with an irritated face the others. Danny nodded pacific.

\- Of course – answered the lead singer with a reassuring expression, returning immediately talking to Dylan about instruments and new songs, while Jorel gave the drummer an apologizing gaze, almost saying “Sorry but what can I do?”.

Matt sighed and directed his attention to the drunk guy, asking himself how he could even try to take him to bed without starting a fight: when shitfaced, Jordon has always been an irritable person, ready every time to discuss or beat someone. Of course he did it because he know that he would never hurt anyone when drunk, but  due to this insolent attitude, mixed with irony, people often started to laugh, and he loved people laughing thanks to him.

Matt picked up Jordon, holding him up and carrying him outside the room. The voices of his friends faded away with all the noises of a post-concert party as he walked, trying to find the exit of the building. The rapper was half sleeping when Matt finally found the door to the parking, opening it with one hand and feeling suddenly the fresh air on his face. The coach was there, lonely in the entire area, illuminated by street lights.

Jordon said something unintelligible, moving his lips as he wanted to pronounce some words but the alcohol stopped him, head down on his chest. Matt grumbled frustrated and carried the man to the bus, opening the door and forcing Jordon to going up the stairs, following him. The door made a click when the drummer closed it, but a second later he heard a different sound, like something rasping. He turned his head and found Jordon snoring a little, at the top of the stairs, leaning on the wall, eyes half closed. He was surely tired and the night was too long even for them, with all those jumps, those songs and the concert itself.

The bandana rapper shook his head, waking up but still stunned by the alcohol.

\- Where are we? – mumbled the man looking around and noticing Matt. The screamer pointed to the bunks.

\- In the coach. You should rest a little –

Jordon frowned and shook his head again with determination, almost losing his balance and falling on the floor.

\- What the fuck are you sayin’? If Charlie Scene is drunk he goes to party, not to sleep. Are you fucking kidding me? Screw you – said with a not convincing voice before leaning again on the wall, closing his eyes and whispering some insults. His hat wasn’t down on his head as usually and it was possible to see his face clearly, the relaxed expression as he tried to say something. He looked peaceful, almost sleeping, and the silence in the bus, the lights off, the calm of the night, all these things were pushing him to get some rest. Matt could see it, as the man fought the weariness moving his head, eyes closed, eyelashes fluttering as he tried to open them. He was handsome, but not like a rockstar with a perfect face and a perfect body, so fake to resemble almost a girl or a Barbie doll. It was a beauty more similar to the one of a fierce animal, always ready to attack, a beauty that could kill you, manly and strong even now that he was almost asleep. Matt looked at him. His hair was light brown, like chocolate, straight on the top, but at the end curled up in little locks escaping from the hat and running down on his nape. His face was framed by a slight beard which went down on his neck, making that zone appear very appealing, like if it was asking for a hickey.

Matt opened wide his eyes incredulous. Holy shit, what the fuck was he thinking? It couldn’t be possible.

He ran up the stairs, took Jordon for an arm and tried to push him in the bunk, unwillingly to stay there anymore. Being alone with Jordon was a problem, a big problem, especially if his thoughts focused on him. Panic was leading his movements, making him clumsy and confused.

Jordon seemed irritated by the mate and started mumbling insults, opposing him and trying to get free.

\- Lemme go, asshole. I wanna go to party – laughed as he started playing the fight with Matt, punching him on the shoulders or the arms but never hurting him.

The drummer fought back and tried to force the friend to lay on the bed, but the other resisted until the bandana man’s head beat against the wall.

Matt suddenly found himself two centimeters away from Jordon’s face, his body pressed on the other as he lost balance and leaned on the friend. The drummer immobilized himself, eyes got wide as he felt the rapper’s breath on the face.

It was warm, it felt so good.

Matt felt a sudden desire grow in his chest, an instinct so strong that he could barely fight. He trembled as his mind opposed to it, struggling against it, but it was too weak, the need too strong.

He automatically lowered his head, pushing his lips on the ones of the rapper, tasting his mouth, letting himself go and do whatever he wanted.

It felt so damn good. It was the only thing that his head was capable of think. It felt terrible good, a physical pleasure in his body. Kissing Jordon was a relief, like putting some water on a fire and feeling less pain. His lips were soft, hot. It was like dying and living again, moving his mouth on the other and feeling that wonderful sensation. He tasted that kiss, he loved it, enjoying every single thing. The silence around them, broken only by the sound of his body pressing more against the other. Matt’s lips gliding on the one’s of Jordon, pushing against them and caressing them.

Matt felt his heart beat like one of his drums. He could feel his blood pumping hard in his veins, his head heavy and confused as he broke the kiss, cheeks so red and embarrassed.

Matt was terrified by what he did, and looked on the friend’s face some clues about it. Jordon seemed at first to understand what just happened, eyes shocked moving fast toward the friend, but then alcohol gained control and obfuscated his mind again. He swung at little and almost fell off, but Matt caught him in time and laid him on the mattress in the middle. Jordon mumbled some words, but when his body touched the bed he instantly went to sleep, snoring loudly and turning on his side.

Matt sighed as he let himself fall on the ground, back leaned against the bunks. He couldn’t believe what he did, but his hearts was still racing fast and his hands still shaking in panic.

He kissed Jordon.

He liked it too much.

He did it.

He let his desire win.

Matt was still too shocked to feel shame, but his blue eyes flashed in the dark with doubt, uncertainty. How was possible that his body reacted so much to a kiss?

The tiredness that he fought until that moment was too much and immersed him. Matt let his muscles relax, his head be free of those thoughts so noisy and annoying.

Maybe some rest would have helped him.

He fell asleep on the floor, listening to the sound of Jordon snoring near to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter, one per week. Okay, again I beg pardon for errors, I am trying to improve my English so that when I will go to a Hollywood Undead concert I will slap Charlie's face calling him faggot: this would be my revenge for our little and cute Da Kurlzz. See you next week!


	3. Unexpected turn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt kissed Jordon and this thought his killing him. It felt too good and for the drummer this action was almost a crime, so now he has to face himself again, fighting against emotions and instincts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again I beg your pardon, my dear reader, for grammar and form errors. I'm just a poor Italian undead soldier who wants to write some fanfictions that can be read by more than 2 people. Thank you for your forgiveness.

**_"And if it feels so good then it can't be wrong_** "

_Comin' in hot - Hollywood Undead_

The next morning Matt found himself laying in his bunk, the lowest on the right.

Probably the night before his friends came back to the coach and discovered him sleeping of the floor, putting him to bed without waking him up. However, they forgot to close the curtain, so his feet were icy and he felt a little cold.

He moved his eyes around, spying the situation in the coach.

It was still early, just the sunset, light peeking below the curtains and coloring in yellow the borders of the tables, with the bus still moving, rolling on the highway directed to the next concert. Matt could feel the others sleeping, the long snoring of Dylan and George, the slight breaths of Jorel and Danny, the crewmen moving anxious in their dreams.

The only really awaken was the drummer, his head full of thoughts and doubts.

He closed the curtain, willing to be alone in the dark so that he could think about what happened. He was still confused, but as the minutes passed and his mind got clearer, memories came up hurting him.

A sense of unsuitableness for everything pervaded him, the sensation of being out place stronger than ever.

He felt so much shame.

He kissed Jordon.

He really did it.

And it felt good, he loved it.

He was not like George, who acted constantly as being gay without being troubled by it, his actions were made on purpose, they were serious, pushed by feelings.

The way he liked it, as if it was a prohibited pleasure, a relief from not touching him, was the biggest crime. He knew very well that it was wrong, that he was doing something bad.

He felt sadness, disappointment toward himself. He didn’t want that emotion, that instinct, he hated it, he couldn’t bear it anymore and wanted it to disappear. He winked his eyes and hid again in the darkness, in his thoughts, trying to be unnoticeable and invisible. He was so ashamed of his actions, but in particular of his desires. It was not the fact that he started behaving like a gay man, but the fact that something so wrong to him felt so damn good. He couldn’t accept it, he couldn’t forgive himself for getting so out of control, so far from his morals. The worst thing, however, was the thought of the others discovering what he had done. He knew that no one of them would ever say something bad about it, about kissing another guy for love, but it still appeared like a guilt to him.

This fear was like a stone, a giant weight that was pulling him to the ground, destroying his will and his hopes.

He wished a kiss from the rapper and this fantasy felt really good, but the embarrassment that it provoked after was far more powerful, a dagger in his chest. He wanted it to finish: no more feelings, no more emotions, no more shame. Returning to his old self, the old friendship, the absence of that unpleasant redness when he touched accidentally the band mate, the absence of those bad ideas, of those sickness. Yeah, he thought, it was sick. He was so sick.

Hot and salty tears escaped from his eyes. The only idea of doing something so wrong made him feel like a piece of shit. These words in his head were painful as much as a cut on his wrist, and his tears were the blood dripping from his wounds, his eyes. His irises were a blue flash in the dark, shining from the weak light of the sunset, so bright that they seemed to sparkle by themselves.

Someone moved above him. It was probably Danny rolling on his side, but the drummer instantly dried off his tears and tried to gain control of himself, fearing that someone could see him.

He had to appear calm.

No one saw him kissing Jordon and the rapper was so drunk that he probably wouldn’t remember anything, so his secret was safe. However, the biggest problem was resisting the temptation of doing it again, feel again his hot mouth and his body.

Matt licked unconsciously his lips, remembering the wonderful sensation of kissing Jordon, letting his body do what his mind wanted so much. That pleasure, that heat. It was amazing.

No! He had to stop thinking this. It was not amazing, it was wrong. Wrong!

Matt sighed, his head so confused that he didn’t even want to reflect any more on the topic. His body said yes and his mind said yes too, but something deep inside him was disgusted by all this and made him feel shame.

He closed his eyes, shutting up those thoughts. Maybe sleeping was the solution at the moment.

 ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

\- What are those? Hangover solutions? – smirked George as Jordon took from the freeze a pack of Oreos.

\- Shut the fuck up, George. These are my medicines – said the rapper sitting next to his friend, opening with a crack the package.

\- I thought that your medicine was the weed under your mattress – replied amused the blue masked man, pointing his head towards the bunk. Jordon grumbled.

\- Don’t shout it. I don’t want Jorel stealing my weed. That asshole… -

Matt was in front of the two, typing something on his phone but looking secretly to the bandana man: he seemed not to remember anything, behaving like usual and joking around like a kid, no memories of the kiss. That was a relief for the drummer, who spent the past hours rolling on his bed, fear eating him alive. He saw all the possible scenarios that could have waited him when all were awake, but nothing really happened, life seemed going like usual.

Dylan woke up first as usual and started wandering around the bus like lost, finally sitting after some minutes over the couches in the front, sighing tired. George and Jorel followed him few hours after, stretching and laying on the sofas like if they hadn’t sleep for ages.

The other band mates and crewmen woke up some time later, creating groups and starting chatting aloud about different topics, from music to movies. Jordon was the only one who didn’t join a conversation but played with the PlayStation, reminding the drummer of that young kid he met almost seven years before, fascinated by videogames and guitars. This thought made him smile as he watched the rapper swear and move as he played Mortal Kombat, losing some battles and winning others. Matt could see Jordon’s back, with his broad shoulders and the hoodie that covered almost everything, impeding him from seeing more.

The screamer shook his head, resigned to the idea that his eyes were out of control, letting them watch what they wanted.

The bus stopped, another service area in front of them, with a giant McDonald’s waiting for hungry men. As soon as the door opened, all went down almost running to the building, talking happily about the lunch. Matt followed them, already tasting in his mind the wonderful flavor of fries and hamburgers. The sun was hot as always, burning his white skin and warming him, little and fluffy clouds wandering around in the sky. He loved these days, they made him feel cheerful and playful, like if he was 18 again. He was looking to some clouds and almost entering the building, when a hand stopped and pushed him away. He tried to call the others, but when he noticed that it was Jordon who was pulling him, his mouth closed immediately.

Oh god, what was happening? His eyes went to the others, wishing to be with them rather than staying alone with the bandana man. Fear and anxiety strangled his voice as he let the other man take him wherever he wanted. He did not say a word, only looking to his friend’s back as they walked together.

Jordon stopped near the toilets, in a place more private than others. No one was there.

The rapper was in front of him, a serious expression on his face as he looked into the drummer’s eyes.

\- I know what you did –

These words stabbed Matt in his chest with fear and panic. He knew, he remember what he did, alcohol was not effective as he thought. Was he mad? Was he angry with him? The friend’s face was an enigma, it was impossible to understand the emotions that were hidden behind. The screamer’s heart flipped upside down, terror intertwining it as his mind got blank.

Matt was speechless. He opened his mouth to say something but words didn’t come out: he simple stayed there with a shocked face, hands starting shaking again.

\- I know what you did to me last night, Matt – repeated Jordon, his blue gaze becoming colder than before. Matt didn’t know how to reply, moving backwards against the wall as Charlie went on, putting him on the spot.

It was panic that the drummer felt. Pure panic. The other discovered him, found out his secret, and now he had to pay for that forbidden pleasure. It was not much the kiss, but rather the feeling that it represented, a silent and shameful love that disgusted and terrified Matt at the same time, letting him confused.

\- I-I…am…very…sorry – said slowly the man, back against the wall, jaw clenched and hands trembling on their own. He stood there, completely terrified by the consequences that his action provoked in his friend, expecting something bad to happen.

\- Do you like me? –

An emotion appeared on the rapper’s face. Embarrassment, discomfort. He didn’t seem mad, but rather confused, ashamed of his own curiosity, eyes fixed on him, waiting for an answer.

\- I don’t know – replied Matt. He couldn’t understand what was happening. He thought that Jordon was angry to him, ready to kick his ass or break up their friendship. He wasn’t prepared to a conversation on his own feelings simply because he didn’t know what to say. He only felt those instincts and the sudden urge to satisfy them, more like an animal than a human.

Jordon sighed and started looking at his feet, shaking his head as he spoke.

\- I don’t know what it is happening in your head, Matt, but you can’t do whatever you want. I am engaged with a girl, I love her, I want to stay with her and even marry her. What would be Randi’s reaction if she discovers that you are in love with me? –

\- I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU! – shouted Matt, backing even more against the wall as if Jordon was a threat to his life. The hot surface pressed against his shirt, sending shivers through his spine.

\- Then why did you kissed me? – asked the rapper, letting the other shocked and motionless.

The drummer was confused. He wondered the same thing for a really long time: why did he kissed him? Was he really in love with Jordon?

\- Because I had to. Because It felt too good to be wrong – answered with a low raspy voice, feeling disgust as he pronounced it. He was so stupid. He felt that need even now, even in this situation. His desire of letting himself go, stop thinking and just doing something.

\- Then you have to learn how to control yourself – stated the rapper with a fierce look on his face, rage overwhelming him and flaming in his irises. The drummer felt fear and prepared himself for a punch or a kick, squeezing eyes and trying to assume a defensive pose, ready for the attack.

But the attack didn’t come.

Jordon leaned on him and kissed his mouth.

 

 

 

 


	4. Marks of shame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kissing someone you love feels good, but kissing someone that doesn't love you back feels good too?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY FOR THE GRAMMAR I'M SO SORRY OHDANNYTAKEMESTRAIGHTOHEAVEN!

_**"I used to be love-struck, now I'm just fucked up**_  
 _ **Pull up my sleeve and see the pattern of my cuts**_!"

_Black Dahlia - Hollywood Undead_

Their lips were pushed one on the other in a hot and sexy kiss, a feeling of warmth growing as a fire inside the drummer’s chest. Jordon opened his mouth and let his tongue slip out, licking the screamer’s one and starting playing with it, fighting with it. Their bodies were pressed, breath becoming heavier as they deepened the contact, hands moving by themselves. The bandana man started touching his back, caressing him and sometimes grabbing his shoulders, pushing him against the wall in a violent manner that excited the drummer. Eyes were closed and lips were moving fast.

Matt’s head exploded.

Yes! Yes. Oh god, it felt so good, so damn good!

Desire was flowing in their veins, wiping their thoughts away, leaving only the instinct of getting pleasure with each other’s bodies. Matt’s soft tongue was tasting the bandana man’s mouth, his hands sneaking under his hoodie, touching his hot skin, fingers hungry of flesh. Everything of Jordon turned him on, even his smell of cervezas and aftershave. He wanted to touch, bite and consume, everything only for his pleasure which was growing stronger. Matt could almost feel something moving in his pants, but he didn’t care about it, too focused on the sensations.

He wanted him so bad. He wanted to fuck, he wanted to cum, he wanted to do all the possible and most obscene things in the world with the bandana man. That kiss was already something extremely erotic, a fire ready to explode, and it was far better than the previous one because the rapper was participating, responding to his caresses with other ones, getting excited too. Matt was sensible to every single touch, his body craving for more as he started rubbing  himself against the man, becoming more and more aggressive as they continued kissing each other, grabbing and pressing their bodies.

It was not clear if they were fighting or kissing…whatever, it was wonderful. Matt could feel his heart lifting with joy and happiness, so light.

Then something broke that perfect dream.

Jordon started biting hard his mouth until it bleed, hurting him and making the drummer whining in pain. Matt tried to pull himself away from the other man, but the rapper prevented him from doing so, blocking his body against the wall.

The bandana man broke their kiss and whispered some words to Matt’s ear.

\- This is the price for pleasure and you’ve to suffer if you break the rules. Remember this pain when you’ll feel again the urge of kissin’ me. Ain’t being cruel with you, Mattie, just teachin’ you a lesson. – claimed the men getting near to the other band member, lowering his voice even more.

\- If you wanna feel good like this, remember that I won’t pull back, I’ll give you what you want. I’m not the problem here, your instincts are, you’ve to learn how to control yourself. I know how to hurt you, Mattie, cuz  I know you well, and in this relationship between me and you I’m the one in charge. You’ll suffer, you’ll feel pain, and not cuz I want this, but because it’s necessary. When you’ll be capable of repressing and eliminating these feelings, you’ll feel better, believe me. – said the man with a calm tone. After his speech, Jordon reduced the pressure on his friend, pulling his body back but getting his head nearer to the drummer’s neck. Matt didn’t know what to expect, but then he almost screamed due to the pain.

Jordon was biting him hard again, hurting him. The screamer could feel his flesh being ripped out by the rapper’s teeth, the ache on his neck becoming greater. He could not say a word, just stay there submissive and suffer the consequences of his actions.

He was right, thought the curly haired man, closing his mouth and eyes in order to bear better the pain. Jordon was totally right and indeed was doing him a favor: the rapper understood that it was not his fault if these desires made him do bad things, and instead was trying to help him (even in if it was an odd manner to help someone).

Jordon pulled back from the other man, looking with a strange face what he have done. A deep bite was clearly visible on Matt’s neck, red and purple against the white skin, and in some parts it was even bleeding. The bandana man sighed, looking the other in his eyes.

\- I’m sorry, Mattie. It’s the only way –

The drummer couldn’t face anymore the band member and started looking at his feet, a sad expression on his face.

\- It’s the right thing to do. Someone else wouldn’t have done it for me – whispered the curly man while licking his own blood from the lips. It hurt a lot, not only because of the real and physical pain that he could feel, but also due to the shame that slowly was raising inside him.

Jordon sighed again and turned to the entrance of the building, still looking at his friend.

\- I’m…gonna go inside with the others. When you’ll feel ready, come you too –

Matt nodded, still lost in his thoughts. The rapper gave him a gave full of sympathy, like if he could understand what the drummer was going through, before leaving and disappearing beyond the corner.

Matt stood there, speechless, head full of bad ideas.

He covered the wound on the neck with his own hoodie, paying attention that nobody could see it. Then he started lapping his own lips, trying to stop the blood from coming out.

Each action was characterized by pain and sorrow.

Those were the marks of shame on him, those were the punishment for his desires.

He deserved them.

He thought that the pleasure he felt before balanced that pain.

He didn’t know what to think anymore, but a weak voice in his mind reminded him how it felt good kissing Jordon, how wonderful it was compared with all his previous experiences.

Matt shook his head. What he could do? He knew that his passion won’t let him stay away from the other man, and even pain couldn’t stop him from wanting Jordon’s lips.

It was a sin so bad to love someone and not being loved back?

The screamer sighed, following the bandana man and entering the building. The difference of temperature between outside and inside was shocking and the drummer could feel shivers on his skin as he moved on.

They were all there, sat on couches near a window, eating and laughing together.

Danny and Dylan were joking as usual, teasing George about what they called his “gay suit”, while Jorel was laughing himself off with Jordon sitting next to him. Matt observed them for a while, enjoying seeing his friends so happy.

Regretting of being the only one happy at all.

He shook his head: depressing thoughts like those were not helpful.

\- Hey, talking ‘bout the devil. How are you, man? – asked Dylan with a smile, inviting him to sit next to the others.

\- What happened to your lips? – questioned worried Danny, sweet as usual.

\- Nothing…just stress and bad habits – lied the curly man, stealing one chip from Jorel’s tray.

\- Oh, bad habits can be dangerous, y’know? – said Jordon with a smile.

Matt could feel his chest becoming heavier.

Oh God, please stop this pain.


	5. The marks of shame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kissing someone feels good. But kissing someone that doesn't love you feels good too?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY FOR THE GRAMMAR I'M SO SORRY OHGODPLEASESAVEMEDANNYTAKEMETOHEAVEN AAAAH

_**"We all dug the grave can’t shake away the shame"** _

_Outside - Hollywood Undead_

Their lips were pushed one on the other in a hot and sexy kiss, a feeling of warmth growing as a fire inside the drummer’s chest. Jordon opened his mouth and let his tongue slip out, licking the screamer’s one and starting playing with it, fighting with it. Their bodies were pressed, breath becoming heavier as they deepened the contact, hands moving by themselves. The bandana man started touching his back, caressing him and sometimes grabbing his shoulders, pushing him against the wall in a violent manner that excited the drummer. Eyes were closed and lips were moving fast.

Matt’s head exploded.

Yes! Yes. Oh god, it felt so good, so damn good!

Desire was flowing in their veins, wiping their thoughts away, leaving only the instinct of getting pleasure with each other’s bodies. Matt’s soft tongue was tasting the bandana man’s mouth, his hands sneaking under his hoodie, touching his hot skin, fingers hungry of flesh. Everything of Jordon turned him on, even his smell of cervezas and aftershave. He wanted to touch, bite and consume, everything only for his pleasure which was growing stronger. Matt could almost feel something moving in his pants, but he didn’t care about it, too focused on the sensations.

He wanted him so bad. He wanted to fuck, he wanted to cum, he wanted to do all the possible and most obscene things in the world with the bandana man. That kiss was already something extremely erotic, a fire ready to explode, and it was far better than the previous one because the rapper was participating, responding to his caresses with other ones, getting excited too. Matt was sensible to every single touch, his body craving for more as he started rubbing  himself against the man, becoming more and more aggressive as they continued kissing each other, grabbing and pressing their bodies.

It was not clear if they were fighting or kissing…whatever, it was wonderful. Matt could feel his heart lifting with joy and happiness, so light.

Then something broke that perfect dream.

Jordon started biting hard his mouth until it bleed, hurting him and making the drummer whining in pain. Matt tried to pull himself away from the other man, but the rapper prevented him from doing so, blocking his body against the wall.

The bandana man broke their kiss and whispered some words to Matt’s ear.

\- This is the price for pleasure and you’ve to suffer if you break the rules. Remember this pain when you’ll feel again the urge of kissin’ me. Ain’t being cruel with you, Mattie, just teachin’ you a lesson. – claimed the men getting near to the other band member, lowering his voice even more.

\- If you wanna feel good like this, remember that I won’t pull back, I’ll give you what you want. I’m not the problem here, your instincts are, you’ve to learn how to control yourself. I know how to hurt you, Mattie, cuz  I know you well, and in this relationship between me and you I’m the one in charge. You’ll suffer, you’ll feel pain, and not cuz I want this, but because it’s necessary. When you’ll be capable of repressing and eliminating these feelings, you’ll feel better, believe me. – said the man with a calm tone. After his speech, Jordon reduced the pressure on his friend, pulling his body back but getting his head nearer to the drummer’s neck. Matt didn’t know what to expect, but then he almost screamed due to the pain.

Jordon was biting him hard again, hurting him. The screamer could feel his flesh being ripped out by the rapper’s teeth, the ache on his neck becoming greater. He could not say a word, just stay there submissive and suffer the consequences of his actions.

He was right, thought the curly haired man, closing his mouth and eyes in order to bear better the pain. Jordon was totally right and indeed was doing him a favor: the rapper understood that it was not his fault if these desires made him do bad things, and instead was trying to help him (even in if it was an odd manner to help someone).

Jordon pulled back from the other man, looking with a strange face what he have done. A deep bite was clearly visible on Matt’s neck, red and purple against the white skin, and in some parts it was even bleeding. The bandana man sighed, looking the other in his eyes.

\- I’m sorry, Mattie. It’s the only way –

The drummer couldn’t face anymore the band member and started looking at his feet, a sad expression on his face.

\- It’s the right thing to do. Someone else wouldn’t have done it for me – whispered the curly man while licking his own blood from the lips. It hurt a lot, not only because of the real and physical pain that he could feel, but also due to the shame that slowly was raising inside him.

Jordon sighed again and turned to the entrance of the building, still looking at his friend.

\- I’m…gonna go inside with the others. When you’ll feel ready, come you too –

Matt nodded, still lost in his thoughts. The rapper gave him a gave full of sympathy, like if he could understand what the drummer was going through, before leaving and disappearing beyond the corner.

Matt stood there, speechless, head full of bad ideas.

He covered the wound on the neck with his own hoodie, paying attention that nobody could see it. Then he started lapping his own lips, trying to stop the blood from coming out.

Each action was characterized by pain and sorrow.

Those were the marks of shame on him, those were the punishment for his desires.

He deserved them.

He thought that the pleasure he felt before balanced that pain.

He didn’t know what to think anymore, but a weak voice in his mind reminded him how it felt good kissing Jordon, how wonderful it was compared with all his previous experiences.

Matt shook his head. What he could do? He knew that his passion won’t let him stay away from the other man, and even pain couldn’t stop him from wanting Jordon’s lips.

It was a sin so bad to love someone and not being loved back?

The screamer sighed, following the bandana man and entering the building. The difference of temperature between outside and inside was shocking and the drummer could feel shivers on his skin as he moved on.

They were all there, sat on couches near a window, eating and laughing together.

Danny and Dylan were joking as usual, teasing George about what they called his “gay suit”, while Jorel was laughing himself off with Jordon sitting next to him. Matt observed them for a while, enjoying seeing his friends so happy.

Regretting of being the only one happy at all.

He shook his head: depressing thoughts like those were not helpful.

\- Hey, talking ‘bout the devil. How are you, man? – asked Dylan with a smile, inviting him to sit next to the others.

\- What happened to your lips? – questioned worried Danny, sweet as usual.

\- Nothing…just stress and bad habits – lied the curly man, stealing one chip from Jorel’s tray.

\- Oh, bad habits can be dangerous, y’know? – said Jordon with a smile.

Matt could feel his chest becoming heavier.

Oh God, please stop this pain.


	6. A lesson learnt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> George tells Matt a story about his past, a lesson he learnt some time ago. What if this lesson will be the same the drummer is going to learn?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, leave a comment if you liked this. Thanks.  
> Soooorry for the language. i'm a little italian still learning american\english.

_**You can hide beneath the covers** _

_**while I hide behind the pain.** _

_ Lion - Hollywood Undead _

 

The concert was that night, and the coach had arrived there a few hours before, leaving enough time to prepare instruments and stage before the start. They were all busy doing things, so the afternoon passed quickly and occupied all Matt’s attention. He thought about what happened that day only a couple of times for few seconds, so his moral was high again and he even smiled.

However, when they finished preparing everything, the band members didn’t know what to do before the concert, so each of them found something. Danny and Dylan went out to have a walk and chat, Jorel played a little the guitar by himself and Jordon listened to music laying on some couches in the backstage.

George and Matt, instead, preferred staying in the coach, enjoying the silence that the bus offered them.

They were smoking without saying a word and it was not the first time that they did this together. George was leaning on the bunks, head pulled back and eyes staring the ceiling. The other man, instead, sat on the sofas near the entrance, gaze pointed to the floor. The drummer was lost in his thoughts, looking again at his feet, thinking back to what happened the morning of the previous day in the service area, scolding himself again and again. Now that his mind was free to reflect and meditate, all memories and sensations of that day came up into his brain, reminding him of how much he was weak and how much his desires were strong.

Then a voice broke the silence.

\- So, you wanna hear a story? – asked with nonchalance George to Matt, grabbing instantly the screamer’s attention.

No one said nothing for some minutes, but then the drummer raised his head.

\- I’d like to – answered almost in a whisper the curly man.

The older man chuckled with a smile, massaging his head as he started talking.

\- Some years ago there were two young boys, two best friends. One was called Jordon, the other was called George –

Matt smiled hearing the names, but didn’t interrupt his friend, curious about what he was going to say.

\- They were very close and always told each other the truth. The world was against them, including school and families, so they grow up together fighting side by side. One day, they were still two kids, something threatened their friendship, something really bad –

The blue masked man stood silent for a while, remembering things and people, his look lost in the past.

\- What happened? – asked Matt in his raspy voice but with the tone of a child. George shook his head and continued talking.

\- A girl came across their lives. Her name was Rudi. She was wonderful, really, one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. She was cheerful and light-hearted, making you smile or laugh every time she opened her mouth and said something. Jordon fell in love for her, he couldn’t think anything else than her lips or her smile, and every time they were together, he always looked only at her, like if she was the only human on Earth. However, Rudi didn’t feel the same for him: she knew ‘bout his love, but she also cared too much to hurt Jordon saying that she didn’t want to stay with him, so an idea popped out in her head. She called Jordon and me, met us in her house and then she kissed him –

Matt felt a cold shiver. He was now afraid of the rest of the story

\- I was there and I remember clearly the scene. Jordon was frozen, with Rudi kissing him like if he was her boyfriend. When the shock passed, he started kissing her too, but with so much passion that it was evident that he loved her. He caressed her and pressed their body together. Then, when she pulled back, she slapped hard Charlie’s face. It was one of the most useful lessons I have ever learnt. I couldn’t understand what was going on, and Jordon was confused too. “This is the price for pleasure” said her “And if you cannot control yourself, then you will have to suffer for your actions” –

Matt froze. Those were the same words Jordon gave to him during their kiss. It was shocking: Randi was the one that taught him that lesson, and now he was teaching him the same.

\- What do you think about…’bout this? – asked insecure Matt.

George smoked his cigarette and reflected for a moment, closing his eyes.

\- I think that it’s human. We all have desires, and some of them are so powerful that you cannot even resist the temptation of hurting someone else. However, it doesn’t matter if these instincts are love, lust or rage, or if the people around feel the same for you, there are always consequences and they are always bad. Pain is the greatest lesson that you could ever have, and the more you feel it, the more you understand – answered slowly the man, gazing at the window in front of him, the sky becoming dark.

\- Jordon suffered a lot, and even if he seems a stupid or an asshole, believe me when I say that he knows a lot about love and pain. Rudi at the end fell in love with him cuz he managed to conquer her heart, but it is only the exception that confirms the rule. Love and pain are strictly correlated. The only way to stop feeling pain, is stop to feel love – conclude with a sigh the blue masked man.

They stayed there for a few minutes, each one thinking about his own life. Matt was sad, deeply sad, because he knew his future and how much the pain he felt the previous day was only the start. He licked his own lips, feeling against the soft tongue the scab that covered his wound. His neck still hurt due to the bite and a large area of skin became a vivid purple pointed with red.

This was the price for pleasure.

Wounds and sorrow and shame were the price for a pleasure so big that left him empty inside.

\- Why are you telling me this? – asked the drummer.

George shrugged.

\- I don’t know. It just crossed my mind – answered neutral the man.

The curly haired man shrugged too, reflecting on the story. That was the explanation for Jordon’s behavior and in particular for his sympathy. He knew what was happening to him because the same happened a long time ago with Rudi.

It was unbelievable.

Some lyrics appeared in Matt’s mind, and even before he could think, his lips moved on their own.

\- This love, this hate, it’s burning me away…- whispered the screamer, remembering the song.

George sighed again.

\- Aron was right about that. Our destiny will always be this. Endlessly pain – murmured in answer the man, before sighing again and walking away. He left the coach, Matt could hear the click of the door before remaining alone in the bus.

The man sighed, smoking his cigarette and looking outside the window.

The sunset covered Los Angeles before the night's approaching. Matt looked to the empty area and saw his city colored in yellow, memories of the past arising in his head.

He remembered the laughs, the smiles, their ambitious gazes, the effort they put into this band. It was all written there, carved in each street they covered with skates, each song they played, they wrote. It was all there, even the lost loves and the forgotten pain, all resumed in few words and notes.

\- Matt – said Jorel, appearing from the nothing next to the man. Matt jumped due to the surprise, but then his focus was attracted again from the city like a magnet. The drummer didn’t stop watching outside, fascinated by that sensation, the overwhelming feeling of the past, fearing to lose it and trying to prolong it.

Jorel was behind him with a strange expression of understanding on his face, like if he could feel the same.

\- Matt, we have to go, the concert is startin’ – repeated the guitarist with a friendlier voice.

The other nodded.

\- I’m coming -

 


	7. Foreshadowing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes dreams regards past events, but sometimes they are premonitions for what is going to happen. Which one is the case of Matt?

**_"When you can't sleep, _well_ , _you can't dream__ **

**__When you can't dream_ , _well_ , _what's life mean_?"_ **

_Bullet - Hollywood Undead_

 

_“Hey man” says a familiar voice echoing in a white cloud. It seems like if a ghost is speaking._

_“Hey man, I remember you played drums, right? Well, we just need a drummer like you, y’know? It would be perfect creating a band like this. Believe me, we’ll be famous one day if you join us, the hall of fame is just waiting for our names, y’know? Oh, I’m so fuckin’ excited, it’s like a dream coming true. C’mon! –_

_Some other voices can be heard around the main one, like a chorus, but they suddenly stay silent._

_-These songs are amazing, y’know? Give us a beat, Matt! C’mon, I wanna sing, y’know? Give me a fuckin’ beat! Oh god…this is exactly what I always wished for! -_

_Someone plays the drums, the indistinct voices start singing together a melody, a familiar melody. There is ambition, love, happiness, hope for the future. It’s a cloud of different emotions combined together. The music continue, the drums are accompanied by the sound of a beating heart…_

\- Get up motherfuckers! It’s eleven a.m. and the concert is going to start in nine hours. C’mon ladies, wake up! – shouted a voice.

Matt jumped in his bunk, hitting his head to the ceiling. He started cursing and massaging his forehead as he heard the stomps of someone in the corridor: George was waking up the band mates shouting to them and shaking their bodies still asleep. The drummer sighed sitting on his bed, head still hurting due to the hit. His friends were complaining annoyed to the blue masked man, getting up anyway and talking one to another whispering.

Matt was still confused due to the disturbed sleep. What a dream, he thought. With all his problems, remembering old memories was not helping in that moment, that was sure.

Suddenly, a question popped out in his mind: he wondered what was doing Aron in that moment, if he was still sleeping or maybe writing a song. Possible an original song, not that crap he lately published.

The curtain of his bunk slipped away, showing the smiling face of George.

\- C’mon, beauty. Stop worrying ‘bout your hair cuz they are fantastic! – said happily the rapper caressing Matt’s fluffy hair. The screamer growled annoyed, letting the other do what he wanted.

It was one of those gay moment that George and Jordon shared together just to have fun: the only thing he could do was resisting passively to their jokes.

When George finally finished playing with his hair and went running outside with the others, laughing like a kid, the man remained alone in the coach.

He stretched a little his tired muscles, massaging again head and eyes in order to reduce the pain. Dreaming always exhausted him, and his sleeping visions always regarded the past: his first bike, the first time he played the drums, when he moved to the new apartment with his father, the day he rehearsed for the first time with the others. He never dreamt about unicorns or rainbows, something neutral or pleasurable. No, it was always his life. His fucking life.

Matt came out from his bunk and went to the living room-kitchen in the front part of the couch. An empty package of Oreos was abandoned on the table, next to a half empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s. Surely George and Jordon were having fun.

He yawned and shook his head. Another concert, how tiring. At least he could see again his fans, that was always very inspiring and, in some ways, reassuring.

He was still Da Kurlzz, after all.

Another concert.

He didn’t know why, but he had a presentiment: something important was going to happen that night.

 

It has been eight days since he kissed Jordon for the first time, three days since he talked to George, twelve hours since he woke up from the dream. He tried not to look at the rapper, he tried not to think about him, he tried even to distract himself by hanging around with some girls, but now it was enough. They were alone in the rehearsal studio, a big room with drums, guitars, basses, and some other instruments, placed at the heart of the building and reserved only to bands and singers.

After the show they chilled together drinking few beers as usual, but then the band separated. Although he knew that Dylan and Jorel were signing some posters and CDs, he didn’t know exactly what Danny and George were doing at the moment: he supposed that they were in the bus, probably sleeping or watching some movies, so he didn’t worried anymore about that.

Instead, the drummer thought that relaxing a bit by taking a walk was a good idea, he needed to stay alone for few hours in order to shake away all the stress he accumulated before the show.

He was just wandering around by himself, thinking about the concert, singing softly some verses of one of his favorite songs, when suddenly he found himself in the rehearsal room. Matt stopped at the center of the room, opening eyes wide as he looked confused at the instruments and at the scrap papers on the floor. Why did his feet take him there? He just shrugged, too tired to find a logical answer, thinking that probably he unconsciously went there due to the dream he had that morning. Matt shook his head, ready to go back to the couch, when a voice froze him.

\- Hey, Matt. What’re ya doin’ here? – asked Jordon looking at the drummer. The latter turned to the man, speechless: he didn’t expected this, being alone with him.

The rapper was sitting on a chair, holding his black electric guitar but not playing it. He appeared calm, but at the same time ready to defend himself as if Matt was ready to attack him, while his gaze was firmly pointed to the friend, light blue irises shining as usual with determination.

The black haired man sighed, realizing that again he was staring at the man with too much attention.

Jordon looked at him with an interrogative expression on his face, still waiting for an answer. The drummer opened his mouth replying without thinking.

\- I want to kiss –

Words came out from his lips before he could even stop them. It was true, Matt wanted to feel again those sensations, but the fear of pain was too big. However, with the bandana man in front of him, that anxiety vanished, leaving him with simple and pure desire.

\- Are you serious? – asked startled Jordon as he looked incredulous to Matt.

\- You said that I could do whatever I wanted. This is what I want. I want you. Now. – said determined the drummer without looking away.

Jordon watched him surprised. After the wounds he inflicted him, he just couldn’t imagine a second round. However, he couldn’t pull back, he still had to teach that lesson to Matt, as promised.

\- Okay – the rapper said compliant. He got up from the chair and gently put the instrument back to his place. Then, he turned around and got nearer to the friend, hands hidden in the pockets of his hoodie.

Matt pulled back, drawing the other man near the wall and placing himself in between.

The rapper was looking at him with a vicious gaze, so evil and satisfied that he almost resembled a demon in front of his victim, ready to attack. He got close to the drummer, so close that the latter could feel his breath on his own face. The bandana man took out his hands from the sweatshirt and placed them on Matt’s shoulders, grabbing his body and pulling it against his own.

And then Jordon kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will turn all this story into a M or E rated fanfiction. I will publish it in few days and believe me...I'm enjoying it.


	8. Lust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No pain no game is the motto, and this is especially true for Matt. What could be so bad about sex?

_**"And everybody sins and it all begins** _

_**it goes back around, nobody ever wins."** _

_ Hollywood Undead - Knife called lust _

 

Matt fell again in that spiral of emotions. It felt too good, their lips pushed one against the other, fighting for dominance, for pleasure. He loved Jordon’s hands on his body, feeling them caressing his shoulders then going down to his chest, sliding towards his abs and playing a little with the belt of his jeans. The rapper liked torturing and teasing him, drawing circles with his fingers on the skin under his shirt, sending shivers all along the drummer’s spine. He unconsciously pushed himself against the man, sliding his tongue inside the bandana man’s mouth, tasting its warmth and softness. Jordon nibbled Matt’s lips as he started undoing the screamer’s belt, touching provocative the border of his boxers.

The drummer growled in the kiss, going over the edge and losing completely control. Kissing now wasn’t good enough, he needed more than this simple contact: he wanted to go in a private place alone with his friend and finally starting doing really naughty things. He just imagined the scene, with the rapper on his knees, face between his legs, blue and excited eyes looking directly at him as Jordon sucked his cock.

The fantasy made his mind go blank.

He wanted that, he needed that.

Matt broke the kiss.

Jordon looked at him confused

\- Let’s go somewhere else. How about the storage closet? – panted the drummer. The friend understood immediately where things were going, glancing at the red cheeks of the screamer and noticing how heavy he was breathing, but nodded anyway, resolute to finish what he started.

Matt grabbed his arm and pulled the man toward the room, entering it and closing the door beside them.

It was a small space, full of old objects and instruments that nobody used for a long period of time. It was also dusty and there were no windows, only a swinging neon lamp on the ceiling.

The drummer pushed Jordon against the wall, assaulting his lips and his body. Mouths were crushing one against the other, hands were moving out of control on the rapper’s skin, holding, grabbing, clawing. Then Matt blocked the other man, stopping kissing him.

\- Get on your knees and suck my dick – whispered Matt excited.

Jordon jumped to that request, eyes getting wider and incredulous. He probably wasn’t expecting that. Before the man was just playing with his trousers, probably as an attempt to make the drummer feel horny, but now that his action provoked consequences he seemed ingenuously surprised. The best part for Matt, however, was that the rapper couldn’t pull back from his promise, that he had to obey and that only after he was allowed to punish him. This fact excited the screamer more than anything, thinking that Jordon was acting exactly like if he was his whore.

With a grunt the man kneeled, face in front of Matt’s button flap, the friend’s erection hidden by the jeans. He unzipped them with shaking hands before pulling them down, the drummer looking to his actions from above, foretasting Jordon’s mouth around his cock.

It was funny how much their role changed: few minutes before it was the rapper the dominant one, while now it was surely Matt. The former closed his eyes as he slid down the screamer’s boxers, freeing his boner in front of his face. Matt laughed softly.

\- No, no, little whore…you have to watch it, and then watch me as you suck it – whispered delighted the black haired man, lifting his friend’s chin and forcing him to open his eyes.

Jordon’s gaze expressed all his feelings: disgust, rage, humiliation. Even if usually the rapper played the part of the gay member of the band, he was the straightest person Matt ever met. Probably doing all of this, for him, was a torture.

However, Matt couldn’t even think about all these things, too focused on his own body. His throbbing dick needed attentions and feeling Jordon’s breath on its bell end only made him feel more excited than before.

Slowly, the man opened his mouth and let the top of the drummer’s cock enter it, closing his lips and making a suffering face. The screamer trembled with pleasure when he felt that heat, moaning loudly as Jordon started licking him from the top to the base, eyes shut down while the bandana man’s hands started pumping fast his erection. It was wonderful, mainly because Jordon knew how and which spot he had to touch in order to make Matt feel good: little advantages of having a man giving you a blowjob, masturbating teaches a lot about it. The screamer could almost feel all his blood flowing into his lower regions, leaving his head light and empty, lust slowly taking advantage over his thoughts. Every time the rapper licked his sensible skin or sucked it the drummer seemed to lose completely his mind, groaning loudly and swearing, moving his hips faster.

\- Fuck… oh god yes, suck me…- whispered the black haired man as he thrusted more in Jordon’s mouth. The man started stroking him also with his hands, tongue swirling around his cock as he continued the blowjob, eyes closed and lips pressed against the sensitive skin of the drummer.

Matt was going crazy and needed so badly to cum. He caressed Jordon’s hair before grabbing it, moving the friend’s head as he liked, trying to speed up his movements. He could feel his dick hard as a rock twitching in pleasure, surrounded by the softness and warmth of the rapper’s mouth.

It was too much. Jordon was right in front of him, deepthroating his dick in a submissive way, making him feel so good that Matt thought for a moment that he was in heaven.

\- I’m…c-cumming – panted the screamer arching his back, closing his eyes as he felt his body tremble with pleasure.

Jordon continued pumping his cock with his hands, pulling away his face from the friend’s erection.

The drummer whined loudly when he came, mouth open as he groaned lost in the orgasm, crying out and moaning due to the incredible pleasure.

Matt gasped for air for few seconds, legs shaking as he tried to stand on his feet and not falling on the floor. He was still shocked and numbed, mind blank and muscles tensed, breathing heavy as his chest was going up and down filling his lungs with oxygen, blood flowing fast in his veins.

The man stepped backwards, leaning tired against a wall and trying to make his heartbeat return normal.

It was amazing, he never felt so much pleasure with no one of his past girlfriends. His head was still confused, his body still feeling good as he tried to relax a bit.

Matt sighed, shaking his head and opening his eyes in order to look to the rapper.

Jordon was in front of him, gazing up to the drummer with a disgusted expression: his hands were filled of white sperm, trickling between his fingers and falling on the floor, sticky and dense. He slowly got up, moving around in the room searching for something that could clean them, murmuring angry words so that the drummer couldn’t hear him. He used a rag to get away from his hands the release of his friend, but then he turned to the screamer, a strange flash in his eyes.

\- Now…- said aloud Jordon with a serious tone.

\- Now… it’s time for punishment –

Matt trembled with fear, ready for pain.


	9. Sinking in the black again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time of punishment for Matt.

**_"That was long before my heart became black_ **   
**_There's no way to make it change or go back"_ **

_Rain - Hollywood Undead_

Jordon was in front of him, with such an expression on his face that Matt for a moment thought that the rapper wanted to kill him. Matt sighed submissive, ready to be beaten up, kicked or hit. His breath was still heavy, but his mind was slowly starting to realize what just happened. He was so concentrated on feeling good and cum that he didn’t even care about Jordon or the whole situation itself. It was simply a shameful, egoistic, animalistic behavior, with him wanting only to fulfill his own needs. He could understand why Charlie was so damn angry with him, and decided not to fight back, simply accepting his punishment.

He asked himself what would be the consequence for his actions this time: maybe a bite? A slap? A punch?

No, probably something more painful and violent.

Jordon walked towards him, looking at the drummer directly in the eyes, observing him like a predator looks at his prey.

It was terrifying, especially because Matt was not sure about his intentions at all.

\- Sit down – said the bandana man with an angry voice. Matt backed down, sitting on the pavement with his back against the wall, looking somewhere else, afraid of meeting the blue eyes of the other man. The rapper sat next to him, resting his head against the concrete, breathing slowly as if he was trying to calm himself down.

It was hard for Matt interpreting what was going on in Jordon’s mind. The moment before the man seemed to be ready to kill him with a glare, the next one his shiny eyes appeared full of sadness.

It was so complicated.

 - So…it is love…or what? - asked the brown haired man with doubt, frowning as he made the question.

The drummer jumped surprised, expecting everything but a conversation  about his feelings. He observed the friend and noticed how much he was tensed and anxious.

Matt shook his head sighing.

This was the central problem. It was not the first time for him feeling that sensation, the impossibility of getting his eyes away from someone. It already happened with girls, sexy women, ex girlfriends and so on, but it was the first time that he felt something for a man, a friend. It was not love, there was no romantic purpose in what he was doing, but rather an instinct more similar to addiction. It was the same as when you sniff cocaine: you know that it is bad for you, that it will destroy your brain and your body, that it will fuck up your entire mind, but it feels so good that you don’t care anymore about the consequences and you just do it. Kissing and having a sexual relationship with Jordon felt terribly good exactly as sniffing drugs.

\- I don’t love you Jordon. I mean…I love you as a friend, as a brother, not in a romantic way. However…this…it is not even lust, ‘cause there is some feeling in it, it’s not just fucking and get rid of a body need. I-It’s so damn complicated…-

His tongue seemed to petrify in his mouth.

\- I understand - answered slowly the rapper, nodding as he spoke.

\- It’s a guilty pleasure. It will not last long, if you wanna know - confessed the bandana man with a encouraging smile.

Matt’s mouth opened in surprise.

\- W-what d’ya mean?-

\- When you like eating a certain type of food, you eat enormous quantities of it, but then you get used to its taste and you don’t like it anymore…you start preferring another plate. I am your favourite taste now, you’ll change soon - explained with nonchalance the rapper, scratching the behind of his head.

The curly haired man gazed surprised and shocked the friend.

What the hell was he talking about?

\- I still don’t get it - whispered the man incredulous.

\- It’s simple, Mattie - continued Charlie with an annoyed tone of voice.

\- What are you feeling now is just sexual attraction for a man and his body. You just want to touch and be touched by someone masculine. It’s clearly evident that our friendship is not important enough and that I am just a simple whore that has to obey you and suck your dick. No, Matt? -

The drummer opened his mouth in a “o”, completely stunned by Jordon’s words.

\- That’s not true! - shouted the curly haired man with indignation.

What the rapper said was a giant lie. How could he even think something so bad like that? Jordon’s friendship was something extremely precious to him.

\- Then why I just gave you a blowjob? Was that friendship? Forcing me to suck you cock like a disgusting slut? - said firmly Jordon, talking normally as if he was speaking about the weather.

Matt stood silent, eyes getting wider as Jordon kept talking.

\- I thought that I was something more for you. I thought that we were true friends, like brothers… - said with a sad tone the man, shaking his head and frowning the moment after.

\- I hope that at least you enjoyed what I did - smirked with intolerance the man.

The drummer felt his heart cracking slowly. Why did this hurt so much?

The rapper kept talking.

\- I did what you wanted ‘cause I care about you, ‘cause if I had said no, rejecting you, you would have felt like shit, probably going into depression and finishing self harming again. Our relationship would have been over and probably you wouldn’t have talked no more to me - growled Jordon, sounding irritated by the whole thing.

The drummer was speechless, eyes becoming wet as the rapper talked.

\- You have no idea of how bad it was for me. I can still feel your dick in my mouth and you know what, Matt?…It’s disgusting! It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done and I regret doing it, but I had no choice, I hoped until the end that you would stop, but you didn’t. I wanted to teach you how to control yourself but now…now it’s too much even for me. I tried to be a good friend but seems really that you’re not worth of it! –

Each word was a sharp knife. The drummer tried to hold back tears, thinking that crying now was really the last thing that Charlie wanted to see. He simply curled more and more on himself, grabbing his own legs in a hurtful way.

Jordon continued talking furious.

\- Why you didn’t stop, Matt? You saw that I was suffering so why the fuck you didn’t stop?!? -

Last words were literally shouted aloud.

Jordon’s wavy hair was pointed in all directions while under his eyes there were dark shadows and red circles, like if didn’t sleep well for the last few days.

He seemed exhausted, really at the limit. His shoulders were strained, he gesticulated more than usual and his own voice was cracked and desperate.

It was horrible seeing him in such conditions, especially because Matt knew that it was his fault.

No, it was even worse. Matt had seen Jordon happy, sad, even angry, but he never saw Charlie in such conditions.

He started feeling sick, like if he was going to throw out his own offal.

Jordon sighed frustrated, shaking his head again and again, moving away from the drummer.

\- I tried so hard…so fucking hard. We’ve been friends for many years and I…I just not wanted to let you go. We’re in the same band, we sang together, cried together and joked together. I knew that you couldn’t control yourself and so I didn’t blame you for making out with me, even if I didn’t like it. I tried to help you, tried to teach you what Randi taught me, but seems like you’re not able to do it. You had really to fuck up everything, eh, Matt? With your stupid need of sex! The only thing you care about is your dick, so you know what? Go and fuck someone else, I’m done here!–

Jordon got up, looking furious. Matt tried to stop him from going away but the man shoved him violently, walking toward the door and slapping it when he went out.

The drummer stayed on the floor, eyes wet and fingers clenched onto his trousers.

He felt a horrible ache in his chest too many emotions in one night, too many events for his weak heart.

He forced himself not to cry. Only pussies cries.

He was so damn stupid, so idiot, he hated himself for what he had just done. He hurt Jordon, with his sickness and his individualism: all he wanted was to feel good, without caring if it felt good also for Charlie.

So stupid. So fucking stupid!

He put his hands in his hair, pulling locks with his finger in order to perceive a bit of pain. He felt suddenly the need of punishing himself for his actions, returning with his mind to those times when he was younger and alone, cutting his own wrists in order to feel alive.

Now it was the same, he felt dead inside. He ruined one of his most precious friendship only because he wanted a blowjob, he hurt Jordon only because he wanted to cum in his mouth, so indifferent to the friend’s emotions.

No, no, no, it was too much. He wanted to escape, to quit everything, to stay alone so that he wouldn’t do anything bad to no one else. He was a horrible person. He was sick.

Matt closed his eyes, sinking in the black again.

It was too much for him. Too much in only one night.


	10. New Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is a shitty situation for Matt. He can't even look at Jordon that he feels regret about his own actions. However, someone is ready to help the drummer...

**_"Let go, oh_ **   
**_Love isn't good enough_ **   
**_And the waves in the sea_ **   
**_They slip away just like me"_ **

_ Let go - Hollywood Undead _

Their friends obviously noticed that something bad happened between him and Jordon, but kept their mouths shut. It was not the first time that some members of the band had an argument, and experience taught them that it was better not get involved in such situations. Only George tried to ask his best friend about what happened, but Jordon silenced him with a icy glare, muttering something but then changing immediately subject.

Matt started avoiding Jordon every time he could, even on stage. He kept distances, hoping that in this way the rapper could forgive him, or just let him be. However, it was almost unbearable doing a concert with Charlie next to him  singing No.5: he tried to appear as normal as possible as he sang his own lyrics, screaming not only because of the show, but also to let go all the pain inside him.

It was a really hard time for the drummer, especially during the bus tours when he had to stay in a small space with the man, trying to seem neutral and disinterested.

He started reading a lot since he knew that when you’re reading people usually don’t even try bother you. He stole one of George’s book, ignoring the blue masked rapper always complaining about the theft and tormenting him in order to have “Flowers for Algernon” back.

It was actually a wonderful story, talking about psychological stuff and relationship problems, but every time Matt tried to read it and focus on the plot, memories of that night reminded him of sad and depressing shit. In those moments, the curly haired man absolutely needed to be alone, so usually he went to his bunk, tossing the book somewhere on the bed, laying down and staring at the ceiling, thinking.

That day, however, they finally arrived to Boston, passing the night in a hotel. It was actually nice since Matt could simply do his own business staying in his own room with his own thoughts. He shared it with Danny but the young singer was always with Dylan, joking around, getting drunk together or hanging out, leaving the drummer completely alone for once.

Matt needed peace, exteriorly and interiorly. Jordon’s speech was still sounding in his head, sharp as always. He stopped completely looking at the bandana man since that, hearing those hurtful words every time he saw him or listened to his voice.

It was true, their bond was completely broken. He scolded himself every day, every single hour, for what he did, for ruining such a wonderful friendship.

Now the screamer had the constant fear of saying or doing something bad also to the other members of the band, afraid of losing them and finishing alone again. That perspective was terrifying and only imagining it made him shiver with fear.

\- What’s going on, Mattie? –

A familiar voice appeared next to him, accompanied by some blond hair and big hazel eyes.

Danny.

Matt faked a smile, trying to sound as convincing as possible.

\- Nothing, Dan. Really. It’s everything ok, thanks for askin’ –

The singer narrowed his eyes, shaking his head.

\- Matt, I’m not blind nor idiot. Everyone noticed how Jordon has been treating you lately and how much you distanced yourself from us. So Imma ask it again, what’s going on? –

The curly haired man sighed. What should he do? Talk to Daniel and tell him everything, or keep it for himself as always? He needed so badly someone to talk to, really badly. Having the singer next to him, worried and curious about his problems, was a precious occasion, something that could make him feel better.

\- Danny, I dunno…maybe it’s better if you don’t know…-

The blonde guy stopped him immediately.

\- We’re friends. You can tell me everything you want. I wanna just…help you. You looked really awful these days –

Matt bit his own lips, tempted to tell the whole story to the singer and finally get some help, but at the same time feeling  ashamed to the perspective of admitting that what he did was horrible.

So he decided for a middle road.

He sat up on the bed and nodded slowly as Daniel got comfortable on a chair in front of him.

\- I did something terrible to Jordon. He was tryin’ to be nice and help me even though I was literally…humiliating him with my actions. Then he had enough and simply didn’t want to bear me anymore –

This was the maximum he could tell to the other.

Daniel seemed still confused.

\- Maybe a little more of details? – asked ironically the blonde.

Matt made a bitter smile.

\- He was teachin’ me a lesson, teachin’ how to control myself when I wanted to do bad things. I fucked up everything and now I’m feeling a pussy ‘cause I’m here complaining about what I’ve done – snarled the drummer. He was so angry with himself, so damn angry.

Daniel made a confused expression.

\- What type of bad things? –

The curly haired man froze. Should he tell everything to Dan? Should he lie? What was the right decision?

The fear of fucking everything up also with the singer close his mouth like glue.

\- I cannot tell – he answered.

Danny sighed, nodding slowly as if he understood everything. He put a hand on the drummer’s shoulder, trying to be as friendly as possible.

\- Matt, listen…if you’re into drugs you don’t have to feel ashamed, I mean…we all had that problem so you can talk to me and to the others about it –

Wait a minute.

Drugs?

The black haired man almost laughed when he heard those words. Was Danny really thinking that he sniffed cocaine or some shit like that? This was so hilarious.

\- I’m not into drugs, Danny – said Matt with an amused voice, confusing even more the friend.

\- Well…if it doesn’t regards drugs it can’t be so bad, isn’t it? –

The drummer sighed.

It was so tempting. He just had to start talking and all the words would have come out like nothing, a continuous flow of sentences that could have both horrified or disgusted Danny. He was so hesitant, but his tongue decided for him even before he could think for a right choice.

\- Charlie was drunk and I was horny and I didn’t know how but I ended kissing him many times. He didn’t want to reject me because he knew that it would have hurt my feelings, so he initially played along trying, but then when I…I forced him to…to…give me a blowjob…he got furious and told me horrible things. I wasn’t able to control myself and I ended humiliating him. I am so ashamed of what I’ve done and what Jordon told me still hurts…because I know he’s right. I am horrible, I am awful… –

He paused a moment, looking at the floor with empty eyes.

\- I should die…- he whispered clenching his fists.

Some minutes passed in silence.

No one of the two man said a word, the echo of Matt’s confession still in the air.

Then Danny leaned forward and hugged the drummer, shaking his head.

\- It’s not your fault, Matt. If it was, then there wouldn’t be regret in your words. Okay?- said the blonde man getting back to his seat. The screamer nodded, but doubt was clearly visible on his face.

\- I can only imagine what Jordon told you, but…you don’t deserve to feel so bad for this. It was an error, it happens sometimes, and standing here complaining yourself won’t erase it…-

Then he stood silent again. Matt knew that he was thinking for a solution, an advice that could help him. Danny was made like this: he always wanted to help people.

\- Maybe…you could…dunno…have sex with a girl?-

Matt lifted up his head and looked shocked and amused to the other, suddenly interested.

\- Sex? – asked smiling.

It was such a wonderful word.

Danny smirked delighted.

\- Yeah…I mean…before all this Jordon shit you liked girls more than beers, no? Maybe they could be the solution…- reasoned the blonde haired man, scratching his own head as he thought.

\- It could be, but fucking a girl won’t help me to be friend again with Jordon – pointed out the black haired man.

Danny nodded.

\- I know, but the most important thing for now is making you feel better. Believe me, some pussy can do miracles – laughed the blonde guy getting up.

\- C’mon, there’s a cool club not so far from here. Get ready. I’m waiting for you in the hall – said the singer with a giant smile on his face, patting Matt’s shoulder and then leaving the room.

Matt smiled softly.

Girls, uh? Maybe some "bed action" could help him.


	11. Nightclub

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Danny's plan of going to the club with Matt takes shape. What is going to happen?

_**"Then it's straight back to the flask again** _   
_**I can't help stop what's happening** _   
_**On the wrong track, yeah, I'm back again"** _

_ Levitate - Hollywood Undead _

Matt tried to do something with his own hair. He looked at the reflection in the mirror and grunted in disapproval, seeing how much each knot pointed to a different direction and how he appeared more like a freaky than a man. Initially he tried to straighten them, then he tried to tie them in a decent manner and last he tried to comb them, but the result wasn’t still good. So in the end he simply put on a hat and covered them with it, leaving only some black knots outside. He wore a grey t-shirt and a white jacket, put on his favourite pair of Nikes, took the cigarettes and the lighter and he was ready.

He left the room and locked the door, a smile on his face as he imagined how the night would have turned out.

He took the elevator and finally arrived to the hall, so full of people and so noisy. He looked for Danny, but he couldn’t find the singer in the crowd.

Where was he?

A hand patted his shoulder with force from behind, making the man jump scared.

-Hey, fucker. Let’s go!- said a baritone voice. A baritone voice he knew very well.

The drummer turned around and saw Dylan, standing there with a giant smirk on his face, one of those that were a promise of troubles.

-Where’s Danny?- the drummer asked, already knowing the answer.

-Tessa called him and the man is now busy. So he asked me to take you to the pub and help you to find a hoe that can make you happy – explained the brown haired man with nonchalance.

Matt didn’t have the time to open his mouth that the friend was already walking towards the exit without waiting for him.

There were so many things the screamer wanted to say while he was watching Dylan’s back.

No, Dylan, I don’t want to hang out with you this time, I want to hang out with Danny ‘cause he knows what is happening to me.

No, Dylan, I don’t want a hoe, I want someone to love and someone who can love me and make me forget Jordon.

No, Dylan, a common hoe won’t make me happy.

Bullshit.

Matt followed the man and the two started walking along a boulevard with a complicated name in a foreign language. The drummer tried to read and say it aloud, but his tongue refused to pronounce it and so he gave up. A crowd of people almost engulfed them, but Dylan was smart enough to avoid it, walking in the outer part of the sidewalk, so near to the road that he was risking to be killed by cars and motorbikes.

It was night, streetlamps lightening the roads and coloring the city with wonderful shades of gold.

Matt followed passively the other.

He was too depressed to say something, so he let himself be guided towards the club, his last resort.

After some minutes they finally arrived in front of a building painted in blue, with no windows and a giant blue sign flashing in the front, lightning like a fire for moths.

Both of them entered it, and for Matt was like entering in a new world.

Growing up in Los Angeles is like growing up in a giant club, except for the fact that the club is an underground one, that the shots are made with the cheapest whisky, that the girls are covered with layers of make-up that hide their own faces and that your pocket money is always at risk of being stolen.

This club was more or less like Los Angeles. It seemed hell in earth.

In the exact moment in which both Dylan and Matt step inside, their view changed drastically.

It was darkness all around, split in pieces only by some neon lights. The music was overwhelming, so loud that the drummer could feel it enter his body and shake all the bones inside it, echoing in his ribs. Sweaty people were rubbing one against the other and the image reminded Matt of some animals having sex, with asses and backs touching and fractioning trough the clothes. There was smell of alcohol, smell of expensive perfumes, smell of sperm, smell of all those moving bodies trapped in there.

It was hell in earth, but to Matt it appeared as heaven.

Dylan soon disappeared as always, leaving the young man free to hook as many girls as he wanted. There were so many opportunities in there, so many chances of getting away with a gorgeous girl next to you and maybe having the most amazing night of your life.

All in front of him, all ready to be caught and consumed.

Going to the club was like a ritual.

First of all, you admire what you have around, the girls, the boys, the transsexuals, the milfs that try to appear younger and the underage girls that try to appear older. Then it is extremely important that you say that the music sucks and, if you’re a musician, that your songs would sound better in a club like this. Then it is essential to go to the bar and drink at least five beers and a absurd amount shots, so that your mind would be so high that you wouldn’t even remember who you are. The last part is the most important one: find a girl and, if you’re lucky enough, fuck her in a privé or in hotel room. If you do all these things in the correct order, then your night would be the greatest one in the world.

Matt started taking part to the ritual.

He looked around, he told to someone that the music sucked, he ran to the bar, drank alcohol and then started having conversations with different girls.

There was Natasha, twenty six, blonde, single. She wanted badly to be fucked by someone because she was going to get crazy due to the abstinence from sex.

She hadn’t fucked for two days.

An eternity.

She touched Matt’s thigh many times during their conversation, petting him and caressing his leg as if in this way his dick was going to animate, stretch to her and sneak into her pussy.

After twenty minutes she went to puke out her shots and he never saw her again.

Christene, black haired, nineteen, single but extremely open minded about having different partners at the same time. Tried to suck Matt’s mouth after five minutes of talking. She bended over him but fell of the chair and remained on the floor laughing, his short dress revealing to everyone her red panties.

Sharon, twenty two, brunette, engaged with a man that she didn’t even want to see, searching for the love of her life in a place that smelled of cock. She was studying Intermedia communication in a university, third year, last of the class. She liked dogs, Italian food, Bukowski’s books and long dicks. She grabbed Matt’s hand for fifteen minutes so tightly that his blood circulation stopped forever.

Matt fled away as soon as he could, massaging his hand and trying to regain control of it.

Crystal, brown haired, thirty one, single. She was the most beautiful woman alive, with a body so shaped and sexy that every man would die for it. She didn’t recognize him, never heard of him, never heard of his band, never heard one of his songs. She was a model, she wanted to be famous, she did some advertisements for a company of clothes. She liked romantic things, she loved blue eyed boys, she liked talking, she liked kissing.

Two mojitos after they were kissing.

The ritual was almost complete.

Matt was pushing Crystal against the wall, their mouths one on the other, tongues caressing lips in a pleasant way. The drummer had missed this sensation, the feeling of holding a girl in his arms, squeezing her hips, grabbing her body and pressing it against his own. It felt good, it felt animal, hands touching naked skin, sneaking under clothes, nailing and pulling. The club was now their place, their territory.

Crystal bit his lower lip, making him growl in desire.

\- Let’s find a more private place, no? – she asked with a giant smile.

Matt nodded, taking her for the hand and guiding the girl in one of the rooms in the back of the club.

All his thoughts about Jordon evaporated away. All the depression, the loneliness, the shame…everything of this was gone.

All he could think about was that he was going to have sex with the most attractive girl in the world.

He loved nightclubs.


	12. A new start (?)

_**"We leave the past behind** _  
_**'Cause we all wanna fly** _  
_**Deep down in life you can't deny** _  
_**We're all the same inside"** _

_Hollywood Undead - Gravity_

They were laying on a couch in a hotel room, both turned on and excited.

Matt kissed her mouth, tongues tasting each other and lips crashing together: her smell was incredible, hypnotic, he wanted more. The man licked her skin, sucking her neck and sneaking his hands under her shirt, touching back and caressing hips. Oh, he missed so much having sex with a woman, especially if wonderful like Crystal.

She kissed him again and then, with a smirk on her face, she got up and took off her shirt, tossing it on the floor. Matt’s eyes shined bright when he looked at her bra and, inside it, the biggest boobs he ever saw in his entire life. He growled and buried his face in them, biting and grabbing with need.

Crystal touched his crotch, massaging his erection through his jeans and making him moan.

\- Should we take these off?- she whispered malicious to his ear, biting it and sending shivers of pleasure along Matt’s body.

The curly man giggled happily, licking one last time her nipples and then sitting on the couch, trying clumsy to take off his own trousers. When he managed to pull them down, Crystal licked her lips and pressed his tongue on his cock through the fabric.

Oh, he loved this girl.

 

Matt was smoking lazily, eyes half closed and hair completely messed up. Crystal was sleeping peacefully next to him, her head resting on his chest and her fingers interlaced with his, sheets covering their naked bodies.

They had sex for all night, over and over and over: he was insatiable.

The cigarette burned in the darkness of the hotel room, blue clouds levitating in the air and describing weird shapes. That moment reminded Matt of the discussion he had with George. Love is always followed by pain, and you cannot have the one without the other.

He turned his head to the young girl, observing her while she was resting.

They met only because they wanted someone to spent the night with, but now things were going in a different way. Actually, matt didn’t want her to leave, he wanted to stay there and talk, know each other, laugh together. He wanted to know who she was, why she chose him, why she had sex with him.  
She was so beautiful, with her long, wavy, chocolate hair, her perfect and slender body, her soft skin. She looked like a blossom, precious and wonderful, needing of protection.

Matt caressed softly her face, fingers touching slightly her pink cheeks, her parted lips. He bended over and kissed her on the mouth, a lovely kiss smelling of smoke and alcohol, but also of vanilla perfume and girl’s scent.

He finished his cigarette and throw away the butt in the ashtray on the nightstands. Then, he rolled on the bed and wrapped his arms around Crystal, kissing her shoulder and caressing her slender back.

The girl opened slightly her eyes, an amused smile put on her face.

\- Liked the night? – she asked stretching a little, placing her head on his chest.

Matt smiled.

\- Not bad, but I like you more – answered the man with a fascinating tone, trying to seduce her and at the same time make her laugh.

Crystal giggled, placing a kiss on his nose and then closing eyes.

Matt caressed her cheek again, stroking it slowly and with passion.

\- Why did you wanted me? – asked suddenly with a serious voice. The girl shook her head and yawned, getting closer to him.

\- Why are you asking me? –

Matt sighed frustrated, frowning.

\- Because I want to know if I’m only a one night affair or maybe…something serious – confessed the curly man. Crystal laughed delighted, stretching a hand and placing it on Matt’s torso.

\- I wanted you because you seemed a serious boy and yes, It would be actually cool to hang out with you again, maybe this time for a coffee before sex -.

Matt laughed relieved, nodding many times.

\- Of course, a cappuccino before hardcore sex is a must – joked the black haired man, kissing her again. Crystal seemed happy, amused by him, so everything was going fine.

\- And you? Why did you choose me? – questioned the girl with a smirk.

Oh shit.

\- I thought you were the prettiest girl around…and…I just wanted to know you – responded calmly the man, stroking her hair and playing with it.

\- In the biblical sense, I suppose –

Both laughed at that pun, getting closer and kissing again.

Crystal was wonderful. Cheerful, funny, sweet, big boobs. He wanted desperately to stay with her, to enjoy more this freedom that she could give him, making his bad thoughts fade away.

Since they were together, since last night, he never returned with his mind to Jordon, not even once. He felt actually good, being appreciated by the most beautiful and perfect girl in the world was actually a giant ego boosting, exactly what he needed after that period of depression.

He blessed Danny an uncountable number of times.

\- So, tell me…why you were in that nightclub last night? – she asked with a smile, one of her finger tracing lines on Matt’s shoulder. The curly man froze again.

\- I-I…was just there with a friend –

Crystal put her finger on his lips, shutting his mouth.

\- The truth, please. I hate half truths and lies – she said with a serious tone. Matt nodded, sighing.

\- I hurt a close friend of mine. Like…hurt really bad. Now our relationship is ruined because of me and I felt like shit. I didn’t want to be alone, so I followed Dylan in the club - explained drily the man, eyes lost away as he spoke.

Crystal stood silent, her index still tracing doodles on his skin.

\- Are you sure you can’t fix what you’ve done? Maybe…he will understand and forgive you – proposed the girl.

\- I don’t think he will, Jordon can be extremely vindictive when he wants. Furthermore, I don’t even know what I could do to make him forgive me –

\- You know what? You did something bad to him, so why don’t you do the same thing to yourself? I mean, only if it isn’t something crazy like killing people. Just…an act to demonstrate him that you’re ready to suffer the same bad thing in order to have him back in your life, d’you understand? I did the same to regain my sister’s trust –

Matt reflected upon her words. The logic in her reasoning was perfect, but…was he ready to do it?

\- That’s a nice advice, you know? – he answered, kissing her head :- You’re very wise –

Crystal giggled rubbing her head against his neck, purring like a cat.

\- I like compliments. Moreover, yes, I am terrible smart – she joked putting her tongue out. Matt laughed amused, kissing her on the mouth and cuddling her.

\- I like you, Crystal. I like you a lot and I want to see you again – he stated with a smile.

\- Now I’m here with my band for a tour, my home is in Los Angeles. After the end of the tour, you can come there and stay at my place, what do you think? –

Crystal opened her mouth shocked.

\- Are you seriously in a band? A famous one? ‘Cause before tonight I never saw your face before!–

Matt laughed shaking his head.

-  I know, I know. We’re pretty famous, not like Rihanna that everyone knows her name but still famous. So, do you wanna come over my place one of these days?-

\- And lose the opportunity of hanging out with a member of a famous band? Of course I’m coming!- she teased him with a smile, poking him in the ribs.

The curly man laughed happily, stroking her hair.

\- Crystal, you’re crazy –

\- Exactly like your hair, Mattie -

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone. This is not my first fanfiction, I wrote many others and had excellent feedbacks about them, but this is my first fanfiction in this language. I'm Italian (yeah, there are Italian fans of Hollywood Undead and I'm so disappointed seeing no tours in Italy. Argh!) and I have to practice writing in English. My teacher said to write about something that interests me, but I doubt she meant a gay fanfiction about two men really existing, one married and the other engaged. So here we are, Da Kurlzz stucked in his head between "what I want" and "What I have to do".  
> I know that there are grammar\form errors, and I am really sorry about them, but this is the purpose of this fanfiction, improving English. So let me know if there are really BIG errors. Thank you.
> 
> Dream_Addicted


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